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dear birthmother letters


Mothers and Babies - Why Can't We Love Them Both?
by Sarah Gage

A response to Dr. and Mrs J.C. Wilke's "Why Can't We Love Them Both?", Chapter 31 UNWANTED

I have to admit, I was pretty enthusiastic when I first read the title, "Why Can't We Love Them Both" in reference to pregnant women and babies. (After all, wouldn't it be nice if people loved pregnant women, not just the idea of getting their babies for adoption?) Unfortunately, the Wilke's still seem to enjoy referring to pregnancies as "unplanned" pregnancy or "unwanted" pregnancy and have no problem with the idea of removing babies from their mothers (and fathers?) to be used for adoption. Just how does this "love them both"?

Just what is an "unplanned" pregnancy anyway? It used to be that pregnancy was considered a natural thing and babies were considered a gift from God to their actual parents. Pregnancy might be referred to as a "surprise" rather than as "unplanned". Yet in recent decades, everyone in society wants to regulate pregnancy, plan pregnancy and delay pregnancy until women are in their 30's or 40's (when many are unable to reproduce).

Interestingly, males are somehow exempt from pregnancy prevention - this is still considered a female responsiblity. Even in modern times, women may be accused of "getting themselves pregnant on purpose just to make men miserable." "She needs a brick tied between her legs," a friend of mine said about a mother he knows who is pregnant for the second time, expecting twins and hospitalized for the next several months. My response? "He needs a brick tied between his legs." Why is pregnancy always considered the woman's sole responsibility?

Delaying pregnancy is supposed to be a cost savings to society, yet the cost of fertility treatments and buying babies (surrogacy, adoption) or the raw materials to make babies ("donated" eggs, sperm) for aging men and women who are no longer fertile is high. There are increased health risks to older mothers and babies and a great many unborn babies die in the "process" when IVF treatments and other techniques are used. Not to mention the emotional cost to a human being who is unrelated to one or both of her "parents" and will grow up cut off from one or both sides of her real family. And then there are the emotional and health considerations for the woman used as an incubator to produce a baby for "real parents".

As a pregnant woman experiencing a surprise pregnancy while I was single, I thought of myself as the mother of my child and never did seek an abortion. Yet so many people in society were eager to accuse me of being "unwed", and of not planning. The Pro-Life community in particular seemed to view my child as a "crisis" meant to be "saved" and used for infant adoption. Indeed, rather than my child being unwanted by me, it turned out that my motherhood was unwanted. The intent of those around me was to terminate my motherhood one way or another. There certainly were no "congratulations" over this blessed event - although sickeningly there were people drooling over the possiblity of getting a nice healthy white baby for adoption.

My very religious parents were advised by Catholic "experts" that it was their fault I was pregnant - talk about manipulating people through the Catholic guilt trip. In her embarrassment, my mother who was ordinarily pro-life actually begged me to get an abortion. "Maybe you will lose this baby anyway," she said hopefully. When my mother confessed that she wanted to help me keep my baby, the "unbiased counselors" hoping to get a newborn baby for their adoption customers rationalized that I would have more children later. The "professionals" at the church social services felt I would be "better off" if my child was removed from me. They called me a "birthmother" rather than "mother" - to emphasize that I was expected to surrender my child for adoption. If my family and I kept my daughter (showing it could be done) no doubt I would be a "bad example" for other young women and ruin the perfect look of society. We were advised that the best way to love a baby was to discard her ("give her up for adoption") so that unrelated people (a "loving couple") could use her as a replacement for the child they could not have.

If blacks, Jews and other minorities are persecuted in our society, the "unmarried" mother is surely just as persecuted. After her born child has been removed (if ever so cunningly) from her mother, people immediately begin talking about how they "saved a baby from an abortion" because her own mother "just didn't want" her baby. Fathers generally get no choice at all.

A baby is not being "saved" from an abortion when her mother is pressured to surrender ("give her baby up"). Instead the baby is being "saved" from being taken home and loved by her own family members. Some of these adoption businesses even have disgusting slogans like "Adoption is a loving abortion." What a sick thing to do, making the adopted child feel so terribly unwanted and accusing a mother of aborting her baby when she has done no such thing!

I agree with the Wilke's when they ask, "Why not love mothers and babies both?" Why not love fathers as well? Say "Congratulations, Mom!" or "Congratualtions, Dad!" to expectant parents even when they are not married. Offer to help the real parents out and stop suggesting that single moms and dads sacrifice their "adoptable" babies for adoption.


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