has life-long consequences and is especially inhumane when a mother
wants and loves her child. Rather than pressure her to get her
child, people should just help her out.
Marion, IA (PRWEB)
September 27, 2004 -- In some countries there are abortion cemeteries
where a person can go to grieve the loss of their unborn child.
It is readily accepted that a woman who has such a loss may need
But when a child that
is already born is lost to adoption her mother may be expected
to go on with her life as if nothing happened. She may have been
pressured until she gave up hope, she may have been tricked into
surrendering her parental rights, or her young adoptable
child may have been taken by social services using a vague accusation
such as threat of harm. Regardless, people will tell
her that her child is probably fine - the strangers that took
her know how to change a diaper. Besides, they deserved a child
and she is just a birth thing anyway.
No matter how grief-stricken
she is, she may be told she must hide it so as not to overshadow
the adopters joy. A mother may go for years or even decades
trying to shut it out of her mind. Some commit suicide. Meanwhile,
once in possession of her child, many adopters may have no consideration
for her feelings or else they may tell people they pray for her
or speak of her to her child occasionally and that should be enough.
Yet, every morning
she may wake up and in her mind do everything she imagines she
would be doing with her baby. She bathes him, changes his diaper,
nurses him, talks with him and laughs with him. She introduces
him proudly to everyone. When he gets older it becomes harder
to imagine what he might be like. Does he like boating or swimming?
Is he energetic or more relaxed? Does he try radical new looks
and dye his hair different colors? Is he happy? Is he even alive?
If she gets to visit him occasionally she may know some of these
things, but she will still miss all the little things that mothers
and their children usually share. If she never sees him, everything
builds up. Every moment they could have spent together over the
years is gone never to return.
She may work hard trying
to focus on her own development so as not to miss out on life
completely. The pain of the loss of her own son or daughter worse
than she ever could have imagined, she may turn to drinking or
drugs to try to shut it out of her mind. She may have nightmares
in which there are hands reaching up though the mattress toward
her belly as if to take her child. She may find it hard to trust
or get close to those around her.
Then one day she can
stand it no more. It may be years or even decades later and the
loss has accumulated over time. Suddenly its like a dam
has broken and there is a massive outpouring of anguish and pain.
Still, how can even a friend understand when shes crying
again the next day and the next? People suggest counseling, but
all of the counselors tell her she should have no problem. Her
child is probably fine, so she should just not worry about it.
Even if he has problems, hes not her child. Anyway, its
been years. No one else has a problem with adoption. The insensitivity
of each response stabs her to the bone. It is documented in many
places that mothers may be very badly affected by the loss of
a son or daughter to adoption. All she asked for was a little
Oddly, the pro-life
community backs off just when a mother might expect support. You
gave life they say, but that is not your child.
Adoption is in Gods plan they claim. We are all adopted
children of God. But did God adopt us away from our mother
and then expect her to forget about it?
Tragically, some mothers
find that their child is not at all better off adopted. Separated
from their mothers and family, many adoptees including those adopted
at birth and even those with some contact with their natural family
have been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and drugged.
Other adoptees later tell their mother straight out she would
have been the perfect mother for them.
Adoption is inhumane,
especially when a mother has not been proven to be unfit and wants
her child. Although mothers are often made to feel they are all
alone, few mothers are completely friendless and with absolutely
no support. The very people counseling her could acknowledge her
as the mother of her child and help her keep her child. Nurses,
doctors and others could disclose the known effects of separation
on a mother and her child. Church people could have a fund-raiser,
donate a few of their baby items or take her around to garage
sales just for fun. They might suggest shared housing for single
mothers so they can help each other or advise mothers on the availability
of government programs to help them get on their feet. They could
lobby for adequate government programs for natural families, including
a training program similar to the government-funded Infant Adoption
Awareness Training but with the focus of educating everyone in
the community about the most loving option - keeping family together.
Mothers do not deserve
this cruel life sentence for giving birth. Unless parents are
proven to be unfit rather than being just frightened or poor,
adoption is not worth the grief.
Is Adoption Worth the Grief?
Note: "Birthmother" is a dehumanizing and coercive term,
which makes a mother appear as if she was only the source of a baby
for adoption, not her child's mother and parent. Instead of "birthmother",
"birthmom", "birthfather", "birthparent"
(aka "birth object") the honest terms "mother",
"father" and "parent" should be used. If necessary,
mothers whose children have been adopted-out may be called "natural
mothers" to distinguish them from the people who adopted their