child needs two married parents." "Your child will be
better off." "A baby adopted at birth wont know
the difference." These are the words many young pregnant
mothers hear from well-meaning friends, relatives and especially
from those who profit from adoption. But are they right?
Van Nuys, CA(PRWEB)
July 28, 2004 -- Born in 1965 in a maternity home in Richmond,
VA to a 17-year-old unmarried mother, Tricia Shore received a
luxury kittens get, but many human babies who are being adopted-out
today are denied: She got to stay with her real mother for four
weeks before taken away by a social worker. However, four weeks
is not long enough for a kitten much less a human child.
Now married with two
children of her own and expecting a third, Shore has come a long
way. She has a Bachelor of Arts in Speech Communication, a Bachelor
of Science in Mathematics, and a Master of Arts on English and
Creative Writing. A few nights a week she enjoys being 'Comic
Mom,' a comedienne. She has performances coming up at the Ice
House in Pasedena, the Berubian Second Stage Theatre in Anaheim,
the Aztec Hotel in Monrovia as well as the Laugh Factory Showcase
in Hollywood. To find her writings or her next show, go to her
website at www.comicmom.com.
Shore is still affected
by her adoptive experience and the loss of her mother at such
a tender age. She tries to convey what the adoption experience
is like to those of us who've never been there: "I missed
knowing about myself, knowing my roots, so much that I would not
have a child myself until I knew that I could tell my child who
they were. I want people to know that having a young mom is better
than losing your mom. People who can't have children have no right
to separate a child from her mother, family and heritage."
Being reunited with
her mother and father as an adult has helped Shore. She learned
more about herself, got to see someone who looked like her, and
also to see where many of her talents come from. But as with most
adoptees, the reunion is a bittersweet experience. In Shore's
case, her mother was extremely happy to see her again, yet she
was so affected by the cruel shaming she experienced as an unmarried
mother in the 60's that she could not bring herself to introduce
her daughter to other people. When Shore made the mistake of referring
to herself as her mother's daughter to a co-worker of her mother,
her mother reverted into her shame and broke off the relationship.
In adoption reunion,
rejection like this is horribly traumatic. But with so little
realistic counseling available here in the United States for moms
and adoptees to process their feelings in advance, it's not unusual
for misunderstandings to occur. Reunion is not the simple event
as shown on television. Many moms and adoptees find they need
to pull back at times, sometimes for years, to process their intense
emotions before communicating again. This loss of contact after
so many years apart may be devastating for the other person and
for siblings and others as well.
Shore sometimes works
through her feelings with her comedy act. "In my comedy I
talk about being a mom and right now about being pregnant. If
I feel really comfortable with a crowd, which I usually am, then
I'll do my adoption material. In comedy, the audience will laugh
if you're honest; If you're not, they won't." Asked what's
funny about adoption, Shore says: "Good comedy is often based
on tragedy. Comedy's a great way to get the message across to
people about what adoption is really like."
Speaking as an adoptee
she says: "I always believed I should feel good about being
adopted. I was often told how lucky I was and how special it was
that I was 'chosen.' The people who said that to me werent
adoptees so I wish I'd asked them 'Really? So I guess it's too
bad you stayed with your parents.' Maybe I should ask the next
parent who tells me such nonsense: 'Hey, well, which child are
you going to give away?' or 'Maybe my sons would have a better
life being brought up by some celebrity'. I just imagine my son
coming to me around age 25 and saying, ' Mom, I could have gone
to private schools and Harvard if you'd given me away.' That's
the bizarre logic used to promote adoption, as if someone would
trade their mom for some luxury!"
"Don't get me
wrong. We adoptees all love our adopters. But no one can replace
parents, ever. Parents are made when a child is conceived."
Shore now refers to her adopters by their first names: Ann and
Beauford. "The main problem which adoptees face is the pretense
of family. If adopters did not pretend to be parents and if they
honored a child's parents as such, many issues with adoption would
resolve themselves. I like to think some of us have integrity
about parenthood. This stuff about having 'two moms' and 'two
dads' is not only incorrect, it's insulting to real parents. Please
don't use the ugly 'birth' words. My mother is my mother is my
mother. She is not my breeder; She is my mother."
"Every time I
think about adoption, or someone tells me about someone who is
adopting, I think of that mother and baby being separated. It's
horrible." Like many adoptees, Shore is considering incorporating
her mother's maiden name into her own name to regain that part
of her identity. "My children's names are already true family
names with the middle names taken from my mother and father,"
Shore is a mom's mom,
a woman who puts motherhood ahead of her other endeavors. "As
a society we try all kinds of ways to separate moms and children,
from daycare and bottle feeding to adoption. Especially during
the first year, a child needs his or her mother more than ever.
Sometimes a mom needs to work, but so often moms throw their kids
in day care all day and don't breastfeed because the so-called
experts say its okay. Then kids grow up disconnected from
mothers and home and who knows how many problems that causes."
But don't get the idea
that Shores self-esteem is derived from motherhood alone.
Her favorite quote is from Carl Jung: "Nothing has a stronger
influence psychologically on their environment, and especially
on their children, than the unlived lives of parents." A
writer and a comedienne, Shore is an example of a mom who embraces