My dear fellow
My name is
Jessica, aged 31 from Malaysia, an Asian country bounded by reputation
In Sept 1999,
I found myself pregnant three months from my relationship with my
ex-fiance with whom i have already broken-up two months before.
he only wanted an abortion. I decided for single motherhood. My
own mother threatened to kill me and my baby. Ironically she her
self is a single parent after my father left her when i was born.
I was too ashamed
to confide in family member and relied on the help of a father figure,
a master from a spiritual movement. He offered to help me out financially
and advised me to quit my job. He claimed he knew the spiritual
nature of my child and that the child is someone important for his
movement. Being a humanitarian wanting to sacrifice for the future
of the world i was, i believed every word he said. When i was seven
months pregnant, he suddenly told me that he wont be able to help
me financially because he had lost some money. I did not have money
to buy food, or medical bills or even maternity clothes as my own
saving had run out by then. That was when he suggested that i should
He said all
the words listed on your website:
i was not fit to be a mother"
"That my baby required a two parent family"
"That i am doing whats best for my chiild"
"That my sacrifice would benefit the whole world"
"That i would evolve spiritually"
I flatly refused.
But things got harder and I didnt even have enough money ready for
my delivery. By the time i was nine months pregnant i was surviving
on rice and fried eggs. Why i never got out it, i can never answer.
I was staying in a house in a remote town so that 'to stay away
from unwanted eyes" and my only companion was a dog. The master
would visit once forthnightly.
eighth month he brought a couple who i knew from the same movement
to see me. They have been childless for seven years. They were extremely
caring in my state and he suggested that i should go and live with
them in my last month in case of any emergency.
I did not want
to but he forced me and said he had to give up the house.
He then brought
up the issue of adoption again. When I refused he said perhaps I
should consider an open adoption and he says that my baby will stay
with the couple until I was back on my feet. He told me to trust
him. He claim to be a spiritual master-in fact someone next to God
coming to save the world. How could I not trust him...
was born a day before my birthday on 7th of Feb 2000. I signed no
paper. Everything was arranged by them. The master insisted i breast
fed for a month so that the baby will get the proper nutrition.
Then he told me to go to a different city to help do some work for
him. I had hardly recovered from my delivery. When I refused to
go, he said that I have failed him as a disciple.
So despite every single heartstring i felt pulling within my soul,
i packed my bags for two weeks like he told me. That was the last
i saw of my baby. The couple did not want to take my calls and the
master told it was all for my good.
I dripped of breast milk for 2 months, each baby i saw on T.V. or
heard from next door, even baby clothes from supermarket tore out
of my heart and i went out of my mind. I never stopped crying for
even 1/2 hour straight. i have no idea how i lived. I became a living
dead. Still i had faith in what the master was doing and hoped one
day, I will see my daughter Maria agaiin. I so desperately
wanted to believe i had done the right thing like the master said
though every single nerve in my body was screaming out NOOO!!!
After one and
a half years, I saw her. The couple perhaps felt it was safe enough
to bring her out in front of me in the presence of the master. but
that was their biggest mistake.
I knew instantly
i had to get her back, and one look of her thin body, I knew her
soul was missing me.
I left the movement, told the master to go to hell and am now in
midst of legal proceedings to get her back. But they are being difficult.
In desperation i searched the internet for some solace, to know
whether there are others like me out there and i landed on this
website and i felt i had arrived! I know now that God would not
want a mother to be cheated out of her child -- weren't mothers
created because God could'nt be eveywhere everytime?? Only the selfishness
and cruelty in a human heart could cause so much of suffering to
a mother's heart.
I have a question
to every woman out there who has adopted a child knowing the mother
is suffering out there: How could YOU as a fellow woman and an aspiring
mother live with yourself after such a betrayal of love and trust
of the grieving mother and that child in your hands that will never
be yours no matter how much you'd like to pretend to be??? It is
only when you have truly understood and experienced a mother's grief,
are you qualified to be a mother yourself. Causing sorrow to a mother
by taking away her child is the greatest treachery you can do unto
your own soul. Put a stop to this pain!!
I pray for
all the exiled mother to be reunited in love with their children
again and please pray that my Maria will be safely back in
my arms again very soon. I need your love & strength.