Open Adoption vs. Closed Adoption
Adoption has life-long consequences and that
is true whether the adoption is open or closed. Evaluating your
options of adoption or raising your child ("parenting")
is the most important decision you will ever make in your life.
This is one decision that should never be rushed. As you consider
your options, remember that your circumstances will change. You
probably will not always be single, not always be poor. Your parents
anger will probably diminish when they see their grandbaby.
If you decide to keep your baby then you can
still relinquish your parental rights later, but if you decide to
relinquish your baby and then change your mind, you would have a
big legal battle and still probably would not get her back.
Adoption agencies may say that the mother will experience
a "brief mourning period". They will not tell you what
it might be like for a mother 20 or 30 years later when she has
missed out on every moment she might have had with her child. By
that time, a mother will surely realize that her friends kept their
babies and accepted the help of their parents and often had the
support and assistance of the baby's father as well. It is so heartbreaking
when mothers who have been so "brave" all along finally
break down. Worst of all, few friends or family members expect this
intense delayed grieving and the mother may find herself completely
stricken with no one to turn to for support.
Again, adoption agencies will make it out that this
is no big deal. But for you, it is a very big deal. They may say
you are only a "birthmother" but the truth is that you
are your baby's mother. What will it be like waiting for the people
who adopted her to send you one letter a year - with the obligatory
letter to "the birthmother" getting sent later and later
each year? How will you feel about getting outdated pictures that
are not even in focus? How will you feel when they decide to cut
you off completely?
They may make all kinds of promises to you, but
the truth is that the people adopting don't want you. The people
adopting want your baby. In fact, your presence will most likely
be a threat to them, especially if they are infertile and unable
to have a baby of their own.
Adoption agencies say that moms and dads have the
"option to parent". The truth is that the moms and dads
ARE the parents and they do not need to "choose to parent".
Moms usually get help and keep their children but they do have the
option to surrender their parental rights. If the mother surrenders
her parental rights, the dads parental rights are often by-passed
completely. The agencies and adoption attorneys know the law and
how to get around it. They focus on their real clients, the people
who are waiting (with money) to obtain a healthy baby for adoption.
From the perspective of the people adopting children, one baby is
essentially the same as another. From your perspective, your baby
is special - she is you own daughter or he is your own son..
Adoption is for Orphans
Adoption is - or should be - a way of helping children
who have no one to care for them. Sadly, today adoption has become
a way of supplying people who are infertile, gay, or "just
don't want to be bothered with a pregnancy" with babies. That
means that children who are not real orphans are being turned into
orphans on paper so people can use them for their own purposes.
Prejudice and Rationalizations
There is a great prejudice against teenage parents
or single parents, who are often derisively called "unwed"
mothers or "birthparents". If there is a cost to society
for young parents, there is also a cost to society for much older
people trying to have babies. The infertility treatments, increased
hospitalizations, and risks to a baby increase as people age. There
are benefits to having children younger. You will still be alive
when your child gets married or to help out with the grandchildren
- but an older parent may already be deceased.
People rationalize that a fertile woman or teen
can just have more children later. The truth is that many women
whose children were adopted-out have discovered they are unable
to have more children. Their ability to trust others and their relationships
may become very strained. Giving up hope of finding real help and
surrendering your baby is a last resort - it is not the first choice
for mother or her baby.
Help with Parenting Ideas
Unplanned pregnancy is often turned into a "crisis"
by those seeking babies for adoption. Pregnancy does not have to
be planned for a child to be wanted. If you want your baby or want
to explore alternatives to help you talk to your parents, then check
out these parenting