"Birthmothers" Open Adoption Stories
   "Adoption practice works on the premise that, in order to save the child,
   one must first destroy its mother." - Dian Wellfare, founder of Origins Inc.

Domestic Infant Adoption Facts  
"Why BIRTHMOTHER Means BREEDER" by Diane Turski
 * Home
* * Disembabyment: How Our Babies Were Taken

Open Adoption = Open LIES!
|| The Industry || Damage to Mothers || Damage to Babies || Why Records Closed || FAQ

 * Voices From Exile
 * Speaking Out!
 * Young and Pregnant?
Keep Your Baby!
 * Living With Loss: Resources
 * Recommended Books
 * Webrings
 * Guestbook

dear birthmother letters


Married vs. "unmarried" - Pregnancy, Birth and Falling in Love with Your Baby


Open Adoption vs. Closed Adoption

Adoption has life-long consequences and that is true whether the adoption is open or closed. Evaluating your options of adoption or raising your child ("parenting") is the most important decision you will ever make in your life. This is one decision that should never be rushed. As you consider your options, remember that your circumstances will change. You probably will not always be single, not always be poor. Your parents anger will probably diminish when they see their grandbaby.

If you decide to keep your baby then you can still relinquish your parental rights later, but if you decide to relinquish your baby and then change your mind, you would have a big legal battle and still probably would not get her back.

Closed Adoption

Adoption agencies may say that the mother will experience a "brief mourning period". They will not tell you what it might be like for a mother 20 or 30 years later when she has missed out on every moment she might have had with her child. By that time, a mother will surely realize that her friends kept their babies and accepted the help of their parents and often had the support and assistance of the baby's father as well. It is so heartbreaking when mothers who have been so "brave" all along finally break down. Worst of all, few friends or family members expect this intense delayed grieving and the mother may find herself completely stricken with no one to turn to for support.

Open Adoption

Again, adoption agencies will make it out that this is no big deal. But for you, it is a very big deal. They may say you are only a "birthmother" but the truth is that you are your baby's mother. What will it be like waiting for the people who adopted her to send you one letter a year - with the obligatory letter to "the birthmother" getting sent later and later each year? How will you feel about getting outdated pictures that are not even in focus? How will you feel when they decide to cut you off completely?

They may make all kinds of promises to you, but the truth is that the people adopting don't want you. The people adopting want your baby. In fact, your presence will most likely be a threat to them, especially if they are infertile and unable to have a baby of their own.

Parenting Options

Adoption agencies say that moms and dads have the "option to parent". The truth is that the moms and dads ARE the parents and they do not need to "choose to parent". Moms usually get help and keep their children but they do have the option to surrender their parental rights. If the mother surrenders her parental rights, the dads parental rights are often by-passed completely. The agencies and adoption attorneys know the law and how to get around it. They focus on their real clients, the people who are waiting (with money) to obtain a healthy baby for adoption. From the perspective of the people adopting children, one baby is essentially the same as another. From your perspective, your baby is special - she is you own daughter or he is your own son..

Adoption is for Orphans

Adoption is - or should be - a way of helping children who have no one to care for them. Sadly, today adoption has become a way of supplying people who are infertile, gay, or "just don't want to be bothered with a pregnancy" with babies. That means that children who are not real orphans are being turned into orphans on paper so people can use them for their own purposes.

Prejudice and Rationalizations

There is a great prejudice against teenage parents or single parents, who are often derisively called "unwed" mothers or "birthparents". If there is a cost to society for young parents, there is also a cost to society for much older people trying to have babies. The infertility treatments, increased hospitalizations, and risks to a baby increase as people age. There are benefits to having children younger. You will still be alive when your child gets married or to help out with the grandchildren - but an older parent may already be deceased.

People rationalize that a fertile woman or teen can just have more children later. The truth is that many women whose children were adopted-out have discovered they are unable to have more children. Their ability to trust others and their relationships may become very strained. Giving up hope of finding real help and surrendering your baby is a last resort - it is not the first choice for mother or her baby.

Help with Parenting Ideas

Unplanned pregnancy is often turned into a "crisis" by those seeking babies for adoption. Pregnancy does not have to be planned for a child to be wanted. If you want your baby or want to explore alternatives to help you talk to your parents, then check out these parenting options.



(birth-) Mothers Exploited By Adoption
Site Copyright © 2003 First Mothers Action 
Legal Disclaimer