"Birthmothers" Open Adoption Stories
   "Adoption practice works on the premise that, in order to save the child,
   one must first destroy its mother." - Dian Wellfare, founder of Origins Inc.


Domestic Infant Adoption Facts  
"Why BIRTHMOTHER Means BREEDER" by Diane Turski
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Married vs. "unmarried" - Pregnancy, Birth and Falling in Love with Your Baby


I'm Pregnant and Not Married - Should I Put My Baby Up For Adoption?

If you are pregnant and single, people will soon be bullying you. They will call you names like "unwed" mother or "birthmother". Instead of congratulating you and calling you "mom" or inquiring about how you are feeling (morning sickness, aching back) they will probably ask "Do you plan to keep this baby?" as if there were some doubt in their minds about whether as a single parent you have a right to raise your own infant son or daughter. (This is really a rude question to ask - just imagine the response they might get if they asked a married woman the same type of question!)

Look up some resources for keeping your baby.

Chances are, you're still in school, perhaps starting college or not yet through college. Maybe you are afraid to tell your parents you are pregnant. If you are black or Latina, then your family will probably get upset, but then they will just adjust and absorb your child into the family. They might even compare adoption to slavery, not wanting to separate family members or risk it that your child - their grandchild - will later feel horribly unwanted by his natural family.

But if you are white and middle-class, your parents may intially be adamant that you must "face the consequences" and make your infant son or daughter available so that people who are infertile can adopt a baby. Adoption is the punishment for middle-class white women who become pregnant - and this punishment is promoted by the businesses and institutions that profit in some way from adoption. Targeting white middle-class parents as a source of babies makes it possible for people looking for babies to get the healthy intelligent white baby "of their dreams".

As a single woman who is pregnant, you will probably be approached by predators looking for babies who will make offers of "open" adoption and try various other means to rope you into an "adoption plan". These predators looking for babies may be strangers or they may even people you know and thought you could trust. They want you to believe that you have "chosen" adoption before your son or daughter is even born, before you have a chance to really think and evaluate your options. But while you are pregnant, it's best to focus your attention and look for ways to keep your child. Ask other single parents how they manage. Recognize that although your parents may treat you very badly to punish you while you are pregnant, they will probably react a lot differently later after they hold their grandbaby in their arms. They'll be especially pleased if you show you are trying to take responsiblity for your child and for your own future as best you can.

If you are male and your girlfriend is pregnant, do not hesitate to get a paternity test when the baby is born. But meanwhile, to protect your paternity look up information on the internet and learn the laws in your state. Sign the putative fathers registry in advance of birth, buy a car seat and other items for your child to show you intend to take responsiblity. Some people say "a child needs a father". In reality your child needs YOU, his own father to take responsibility and care for him - whether you marry his mother or not.

Don't give up hope and put your baby up for adoption. Hospitals today try to keep mothers and babies together to prevent the harm that comes from separating them. A newborn knows his mother's voice, smell and heartbeat. He feels secure and loved in his mother's arms. A baby needs his mother and no other substitute not even the baby's father can take the mother's place. Adoptive parents are only a substitute - your baby will know the difference.

 

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